A dad and his daughter faced one another over coffee and chocolate milk. The father wore the hunched shouldered mantle of the frustrated. The daughter swung her feet in sparkly-shoed glee. The girl, about three years old, was clearly in the hot seat. Dad, apparently fresh from a corporate retreat, was plying micromanager tactics to the young girl. He was also referring to himself in the third person, a parental oddity I abhor.

“Madeline. It is very difficult for Mommy and Daddy to enjoy a dinner out when you and Evan are along.”

The girl gave him a saucer-eyed stare.

“We expect the two of you to behave a certain way, and you’re simply not meeting our expectations.”

Whew, boy did I feel for Miss Madeline. I’ve been in that hot seat before and it’s not fun. She didn’t just have a raise on the line, either; she had her father’s love.

“Daddy, Evan’s just a baby. He doesn’t know and we were just fighting and I didn’t want to go anyway.”

“You’re going to have to come up with better reasons than that to explain your behavior.”

Whoa. Yo, Dad, ever hear of babysitters? I’m very supportive of parents not speaking to children as children, but I can’t understand this approach of speaking to a young child as a subordinate, failing employee. Does this WORK? I wanted to plant myself at their table and say, “Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear your micromanaging Dilbert parental tactics. How’s that working for you? Do you and Mommy enjoy much quiet time at home because of the purpose driven goals you’ve outlined for your offspring?”

I may have to rethink my whole approach to parenting after this. Hey kids — who’s up for sushi?

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