Working Mom Penance
As a kind of working mother/blogger penance, I am reading Mommy Wars by Leslie Morgan Steiner. I’m penitent over a blogging outburst I had almost two weeks ago now that unleashed some battling between stay-at-home moms and working mothers. It wasn’t at all my intent to stoke that fire, but I did. I also broke a rule of my own, and blogged political, something I promised myself I would not do.
My penance is proving thought provoking. Some dots to consider:
- Apparently, the working mother guilt and stigma is a white chick thing. African Americans, in particular, as one essayist mentioned in the book, do not have the same issue/s in their culture.
- You will never, ever see a book titled Daddy Wars.
- We mothers are terribly judgemental beings (of ourselves and others.)
- If you’re going to maintain a friendship with one of the others (a SAHM if you’re a working mom; a working mom if you’re a SAHM, a WAHM if . . . oh, you get it) there has to be an agreement to box up the angst, judgement, guilt, passive-aggressiveness, etc. and put it on a shelf.
- Remember we’re all going to laugh at this when we’re grandmothers.
April 22nd, 2007 at 7:43 pm
If you’re going to maintain a friendship with one of the others (a SAHM if you’re a working mom; a working mom if you’re a SAHM, a WAHM if . . . oh, you get it) there has to be an agreement to box up the angst, judgement, guilt, passive-aggressiveness, etc. and put it on a shelf.
Yep. That about sums it up.
April 22nd, 2007 at 9:22 pm
The essayist in The Mommy Wars is only partially correct. While it is true that African American women have unique cultural issues, as does any group really, she is dead wrong that AA mothers do not experience mommy guilt. I feel I can speak on this issue as I have spent the past two years travelling the country speaking to group of hundreds of moms and not just white ones. Mommy Guilt is definitely cross cultural, may be for different reasons in each cultural group, but the guilt-o-meters are definitely fed in all of em!
Also, in our research we have shown the amount of guilt moms experience is no different based upon employment status. Whether you work inside, outside, underneath or on top of your home, the guilt the guilt levels are the same. But like the cultural/ethnic groups, the reasons may be unique. But moms indicated the same things were stressing them out Yelling, Keeping up with housework and spending time on themselves/adult relationships. All the same inducers regardless of employment.
Hope that helps expand on the essay in The Mommy Wars. : )
April 22nd, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Oh rats, I just saw you no longer live in STL. I guess this means I can’t ask you to go to Protzels and Pratzels and eat for me. *sigh*
April 22nd, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Excellent points. I personaly don’t judge other mothers, whether they have paying jobs or are SAHMs. All moms need the support of other moms — it’s the sorority of motherhood and we should all be friendly, non-judgemental members.
April 23rd, 2007 at 6:33 am
You and I have done well, I think. I held my tongue while reading your working mom blog. I realized that you were not really slamming SAHMs but giving the reader your thoughts. And, for heaven’s sake, the title of your blog IS “STL WORKING mom!”
I learned long ago not to make blanket statements like, “All moms should stay home with their kids” or “I would NEVER (enter foolish thought here).” You just set yourself up for pain and embarrassment.
We moms are doing the best we can and should stick together. Motherhood is tough enough without worrying about “friendly fire.”
BTW, I know a couple of dads that are SAHDs and believe me, they are under a LOT more pressure to abandon that job and “get a real one.”
So, I am proud to call you friend! (We are still friends, right?)
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:42 am
I love your analysis. Spot on!
April 23rd, 2007 at 12:25 pm
I understand this and see why it’s true, Marijean. But, how about friendships between a SAHM, or a WAHM (etc.), with a WWWNK (a working woman with no kids)? What’s the secret of these friendships?
April 23rd, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Zuzu — and you are? . . .
YES we’re still friends! And I heart my SAHM friends (many that you are) and admire you and learn from you all. That’s so nice that you were hugging the boy in your dreams, btw. The girl wants to know if you still like beer.
Slava — I have no idea but there certainly hasn’t been the tension with nonmoms that there is with moms.
April 24th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Marijean, you got me thinking about relationships between mothers. The same can be said about mothers with special needs or chronically ill children having friendships with mothers with normal children. We have to put the competitiveness of “who has the better kid” to the side.
April 24th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Yes, I totally agree.
I’ve just come from lunch with a mom who has been having a hard time making friends. Why? English is her second language and it is partly that she’s insecure about it. I think sometimes we have to take an extra step for moms that may be struggling with relationship building, something we all struggle with in one way or another.