Mother first; Employee Second
Have you ever been dissed by a mom who stays at home, or who works part-time, based on her assumption that you put work first?
This happened to me a few weeks ago, and I’ve been stewing about it ever since. The mom in question has stayed at home and worked part-time at different times, depending on her family’s needs. She was talking about an upcoming field trip and said that she goes on all of the kids’ field trips. She pointedly looked in my direction and said, “Because I’m a mom first, and a worker second.”
Now, I could be overly sensitive to this. I could have imagined that she focused on me because she knows my work schedule. But I’m pretty sure I was dissed. It felt terrible.
It’s outrageous to me that any mom thinks that because a mom works full-time that her kids come second. Would you tell a single mom who works three jobs to support her kids that she’s putting her work before her children? Would you tell a mom who is a soldier, fighting for her country that she’s not a mom, first? Now, what I do is not that important in the grand scheme of things, but it’s important to me and my children are proud of what I do. They’re interested in my work. I like to think I’ve given them confidence in their abilities to find and earn great careers. I like to think that they understand that I’ve worked hard, not just for myself, but for them as well.
I think I’m also offended because this mom has only known me in the time I’ve worked from home. What on earth would she have thought when I dropped my daughter at 6:30 in the morning at before-care and picked her up just shy of 6:00pm every weekday? What would she have said if she knew me when I was juggling three jobs and taking care of my kids?
I remember a few months after my daughter was born, taking her for one of her well-checkups at the pediatrician. I was dressed for work and the doctor, who I loved, said something about my returning to work then commented, “Try not to feel too guilty. ” At first I was hurt, thinking he meant I SHOULD feel guilty, but over time, I came to understand what he meant. The working mom cannot escape the guilt; it comes no matter what and it’s something we have to live with, adjust to and at times, take in stride and deal with on the weekend. You would think after 18 years of being a working mom, I would have let it go, but just when I least expect it, someone decides to make me feel like less of a mother, just because I work.
Has this ever happened to you?
February 26th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I’m right there with you. When that mom’s kids are grown and out of the house, what’s she going to do with herself, go on her grandkids field trips. Puleeze! I can’t stand that type of attitude! My kids know I love them even if I can’t make it on the field trips.
I’ve been a working mom for almost 12 years and the guilt never goes away. Don’t put in my face.
Sorry, you got me going.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Only in reverse, that somehow I am wasting my education and brain by being a SAHM. Women should support each other. Heck, people should support each other.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:27 am
What nerve that woman had. I can understand why you’re still stewing.
Luckily, I haven’t had this happen to me. Oddly enough, I’ve had the reverse happen: I’ve been marginalized in a social setting because I was (at the time) a stay-at-home-mom, so I clearly had nothing of value to add to the conversation.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Yes. Thank you for asking. I find more and more women understanding the struggle to find the right balance instead of judging because of the decisions we make as women. I know I am a better mother (seriously) if I work. I respect a womans right to choose to be home with her children if she has the ability, thankfully I think more and more women understand and respect the choice to work, and that it benefits our kids in ways we understand (even if the decision is difficult sometimes).
February 26th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
One more thing, recently I had to list my roles for a professional application, and I listed a whole bunch, then I stopped and thought mostly I am a mom, so I put that on the list too. It is nice when we as professionals can acknowledge the tremendous role of motherhood in our lives.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
MJ - I’m offended for you. One of the most amazing women I know is my mother-in-law. She averages 75-90 hours a week, is a successful career-woman, involved with the community… and is committed to her family first and foremost. Don’t let that woman devalue all of your accomplishments. Be proud of what you do - at work AND at home.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Oh whatever.
The average age for a married woman to become a widow is 56. Fifty-frickin’-six.
See how haughtily she rides her moral high horse when she’s sixty-five, husbandless, and has no accumulated pension, weatlth, or means to support herself.
Slow your car to a roll as you pass the old biddy pushing her shopping cart down the side of the highway and shout out “Hey! How’s that ‘Mom first’ thing workin’ out for ya?”
And when the last kid leaves the house, who are you then? What is your identity once you’ve given every bit of yourself away and the kids still find a way to grow up and not need you any more?
Please.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Why do mothers like to pick on each other? I’ve only experienced the reverse–snipes directed at me when I stayed at home–but it’s wrong to criticize from either side. The decision to work vs to stay at home is intensely personal and no one has the right to judge us for which choice we make.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
My mom has worked full-time since before I was born. I NEVER had a nanny and never went to day care (I began preschool at age 3 or 4), my mom always figured out a way for it to work. She was able to earn a living AND raise her young children without outside assistance. Today she still feels guilty when she can’t attend something her now 20-something daughter is participating in, because now that I’m out of the house, she’s able to work more to save up for a lovely retirement. I wish that woman who made you feel like doody as happy of a retirement as will be enjoyed by my mother (and you)…
February 26th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Dwight: Nineteen years till I’m single! (Just kidding.) This is a whole other blog post but your comment reminds me (and fires me up) of the moms who say, (annoyingly) “My kids are my life.” WTF? How ridiculous. Do kids WANT to be their mothers’ lives? I think NOT. My life includes many aspects and interests. I am a mom among many other things to a lot of different people. My point is, if my kids NEED me, I’m there. If it’s important to them that I be there for them, I am. But so is my husband, their dad. And it’s just not cool for anyone to assume anything about another person’s work or family life.
February 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Totally uncalled for. I am so sorry and I understand how you feel. It’s amazing how we think we have it all together… and then get cut down so quickly. It really hurts.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
No doubt she secretly feels she doesn’t contribute to society in the same way working moms do and took it out on you by trying to make you feel small so she could feel important. DON’T LET HER SUCCEED! It’s not about working mom vs SAHM, it’s about an unfortunate woman who only feels good about herself by taking down someone else.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:56 am
all the time.
It really bugs me when some sahm’s are like “I have no time to get this, this, and this done…blah, blah, blah”
and I’m thinking, “I have a (messy) child and husband to take care of, a full time job and a clean house, why can’t you do it?”
I would love to be a sahm, but we can’t live with out the income.
What can ya do?
I really like your blog.
February 27th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Truly this mom has issues. Amazingly, that field trip will go on just fine without you and the other dozens of moms that don’t attend. I’m a SAHM and have never gone on a field trip. I’ve been too busy drinking lattes and eating bon bons during The Bold and the Beautiful.
February 27th, 2008 at 9:32 am
On a positive note. . . I have an aquaintance who is a sahm and has expressed admiration toward my working status. I, in turn, have tried to tell her of her very admirable and difficult to attained stay-at-homeness. We have a mutual respect for each of our situations.
So much is in the attutude.
February 27th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I agree with BEth - I have SAHM friends and WAHM as well, and we all see greener grass at times, we understand how hard all the choices are no matter how you chose, I think the thing most moms who suffer ( and I do think she is suffering on the inside) from this moms thought process are missing is that - as long as the children are LOVED then we are well ahead of hte curve.
on a more carnal note.. you want me to handle your light weight? I can slide in a stealth like with my trusty louisville slugger and handle that for ya… you know I’d do it for you!
February 27th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I’m a mom who’s mostly stayed home and if I had it to do over again I would have worked more outside the home. I always enjoyed being home but I think children of my working friends seem more independent, self sufficient and do more around the house! My observations are that I do more for my kids (perhaps too much) because I’m home and that’s not always a good thing.
I just don’t think there’s a best or a better side of this issue, each comes with its own challenges and perks. But my experience is that when moms are happy and fulfilled, the kids seem they are too.
February 27th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
This is a really great thought provoking post. I am a single mom that has to work to support myself and two children. I feel that guilt at times. It’s hard. We want to be able to spend all our time with the kids, but unfortunately we aren’t able to. All we can do is try our best and hope that it’s enough. Thanks for sharing a great post.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
It is all about the individual mother and how they give best I agree. And balance. There is certainly no right or wrong.
I have to say after doing both 50+ hour working mom and SAHM the perception of SAHM having ample time to get things done like Kristen noted is all together wrong. When you drop your child off at daycare you expect 8 hours of interaction and activity with a child right? Well that is what the SAHM does all day as well, they raise there child by interacting and doing activities, not clean and shop.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Since this is such a good discourse, I would like to add one more thing. Women in the past have worked outside the home for many years. You can go back waaay into the last century and find instances of working women. And not just during WWII. My own grandmother raised my dad and his three sisters mostly alone. At one point she had to leave them (the oldest was grown) to accept a job in another state to support them all.
We women have always had to make tough choices. History can be very encouraging!
February 29th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Mothers have worked since the beginning of time to care for their children. On ly in this century have people been so critical of ‘working moms’. Moms once stayed home, but it was not to go to field trips. It was to pick veggies, mend socks, tend the fields, kill the chickens, and care for the animals that fed the family. This was ‘work’. Now that the meaning of work has changed, and life is easier for so many families, those women fortunate enough to stay home are critical of those others that are doing their best to ‘care’ for their children by working. Makes no sense to me. This is not true criticism, nor is it called for. It is better termed as jealousy and a means to feel less guilty about staying home.
You are a champion for your children and family and anyone trying to state otherwise is not worth the words they spoke.
Smile. You are woman and you rock!
March 1st, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I must say as a SAHM there was not a single moment that I felt guilt or jealousy about staying home. Just gratitude that we could downsize our life to spend a precious couple of years with my child that I will never get back. As for the fast track at work and material goods I will pick up where I left off in a couple years. In the grand scheme of things ‘the big picture’ please don’t generalize SAHM vs working it is a personal decision as was mentioned in another post.
March 3rd, 2008 at 3:09 am
I’m a stay at home mom who takes a one week trip a year with hubby, without kids and gets responses (yes, on multiple occasions) of “oh, I could never leave my kids that long”. This is directly in response to my just having said I was doing this! Case in point. People will judge no matter what you do and some will be rude enough to profess it to you directly (especially as in your case with this woman when they are trying to convince themselves in doing so). Be convicted with what you know is right for you and your family. (And let the judging goobers be goobers).
March 3rd, 2008 at 11:54 pm
I wish we were all more supportive of each other’s decisions!
Still, it’s nice to have friends who can understand where you’re coming from. I’ve just recently started a working mom’s meetup (http://workwmn.meetup.com/349/) in my county, because it seems that it’s hard, as a working mother of a toddler, to see anything out there BUT the stay at home moms … maybe this is something others could do, too?
March 10th, 2008 at 6:46 am
It sounds like a terrible episode of Cashmere Mafia or something. Why are moms so mean to each other!?
March 25th, 2008 at 9:41 am
ugh. I read that post and cringed.
But I have been there - I work full-time; by choice. I am a better mom if I go to work. I know, I tried to stay at home((1 year), and everyone suffered.
My sister on the other hand is a stay-at-home mom of 4 young kids. She has it all down-pat; clean house, clean kids, makes her own bread etc. She ROCKS at home, and there are times when she makes me feel like crap for not being able to make a field trip, or a home room party. She doesn’t mean too, but it gets under my skin just the same.
But in her defense, she would like to opportunity to get out and thinks the idea of going to work is cool. She would like to get dressed in something other than sweats / blue jeans.
*I on the other hand, cannot wait to put on my sweats / blue jeans.
It is hard not to be sensitive regardless where you fall when you have kids.
But as Raquita said - my love for my kids and the time I spend with them, is what is important.
Besides, my son (7yrs) does not want me to show up on a field trip and have my head stuck in my phone. If I can make the trip, then I have to be there 100%. Showing up is just not enough.
Good luck.