We’re here; the day before the boy leaves for college. Some of you have called, written or e-mailed to say you’ve enjoyed this series and hey, where did you go? Why did you bag it when you were just getting to the bitter end? Well, we’re here. The last several days the concept of “gone” has become much more real; and I’ve grown quiet, reflective.

To my rescue came two guest posters — G. Mehlhose and J. Varsoke. G-man is a guy who was integral to our overall freshman year experience. J. is a guy I only wish I’d known since freshman year (although we met many years after college, he certainly has the status of college friend in our realm).

G-man’s advice came in a box filled with energy drinks, Ramen noodles and a few bucks for ordering late-night pizza. G. wrote:

• Always do your homework
• Always go to class
• If possible, never take a 7:40am class. If you get stuck in an early class, go to class

He also mentioned, “Hydration is important so please consume lots of water.” Good advice for anyone.

From J., the following:

Practical Advice to Freshmen, Class of 2012:

•  Girls - don’t be a nice guy.  Actually, be kind of a jerk.  Unless she’s ugly, or you have no future romantic or sexual plans with this girl, then go ahead, be a gentleman.  Otherwise you just locked yourself out of anything beyond friend status.  No, I don’t know why this works the way it does.  Play your cards close to your chest.  Ignore their probing emotional questions.  Don’t talk about how your first dog was taken to a farm when you were eight.  Don’t offer to carry their mini-fridge up three flights.  Don’t console.  Keep them anxious about whether you like them.  Frustration is the best bait.  If the girl is marriage worthy (you’ll know) tone down the jerk thing - that can come back to bite you.
•  Studying - the women’s dorm is a good place to study all night . . . unless you actually have work to get done.
•  Freshman year - until cliques are established you will have lots of friends whom you’ll never talk to again after Freshman year.  Just keep that in mind when the “most embarrassing moment” question comes around.
•  Roommates - work out a code.  Sock on the door-handle doesn’t cut it.  Don’t be passive aggressive.  Don’t let him be passive aggressive.  Be men; settle your problems.  Don’t go after the same girl.  Bring headphones.
•  Parents - it’s about negotiation. You want freedom; your parents want you to nail this critical part of your life.  And here’s the hint: better your grades the stronger your position.  Bring home straight As and you could set the house on fire but still leave a smile on your old-man’s face.
•  Money - lots of ways to solve this on campus.  Iron shirts a buck each.  Burn a girl’s LedZep bootleg CDs to mp3.  But asking for a hand-out from Mom and Dad erodes your position as responsible (read: trusted to do whatever the hell he wants) - grand-parents on the other hand have deep-pockets and no strings.
•  Grades - this is the last time in your life that when you work hard it will be directly for your own benefit.  After 2012 you’ll likely work hard for someone else’s. 
•  Grades 2 - the harder you work now, the easier you’ll have to work for the rest of your life.  Rumor has it summa cum laude translates to “goof off until retirement.”
•  Cultures - eat with the foreigners.  Find where they hide in the cafeteria and join them once a week.  Then squirrel money away for when Raj invites you to stay in his father’s palace over winter break.
•  Dating - Freshman girls are looking for confident status symbols who can show them around.  Upperclassmen are looking for easy pickings.  This means you’re SOL until sophomore year.  BTW: dating high school girls will brand you for life.  Sorry, that’s just how it is.
•  Girlfriend back home - take a break.  Cuddling with a telephone and a drunk co-ed are two very different experiences.  If you get back together after Spring finals, it was meant to be.  BTW: no need to tell campus that you’re a free-agent (see Girls).
•  Limits - challenge them.  Challenge your beliefs.  Challenge old ideas.  It’s the only way to make sure you’ve got the right ones.
•  Phone home - just to say hey. Moms eat that stuff up.

 – J. Varsoke

Good stuff, guys. Tomorrow is the big day.

Advice for the college freshman — I give you (drumroll, please) the Freshman Ten:

1. Don’t consume alcoholic beverages. Not only is it illegal to drink under the age of 21, it’s also, um, a sin! And immoral (leading you to lie, at least to your parents if not others). Also? Probably unethical too because you’d just be supporting The Man who owns the industry. And we know you hate monopolistic capitalism. Right?
2. Don’t smoke anything. Think about it. With your allergy track record, being allergic to anything that grows, that is, you’d probably just have a really ugly reaction to it. Imagine all smoke-ables are birch leaves. You’re WAY allergic to birch. Take your epi-pen just in case.
3. College campuses are cesspools of disease and filth. Not unlike 1940’s Army barracks and ghettos, dorms are merely thinly disguised, expensive housing projects. Viruses spread faster than rumors. Don’t touch anyone.
4. If you must go out in the rain, wear a raincoat.
5. Don’t roll your eyes at me, young man.
6. Should you get sick, go to Student Health. Do not believe everything Student Health says. (Sometimes they treat you for that which you do not have; say, for mono when, say, you’re maybe a little bit pregnant.) Should you get an Rx for an antibiotic, take it all as prescribed (see #3.)
7. At the dining hall, do not consume only carbs. Focus on protein; it lasts longer. And yes, a salad is still a salad if it’s coated in ranch dressing.
8. Do not fear the Freshman 15. You could use some meat on that lanky frame.
9. If someone’s pitch for the night or the weekend ends with “It will be fun,” or worse, “You’ll be cool,” give that guy the hairy eye of suspicion. This is not a friend.
10. Studies show that contrary to popular belief, you are not invincible. Please make a note of it.

What? Whoa! Time travel? No. Recalibration. We have two extra days before the boy goes to college. His room and roommate assignment arrived in the mail and his move-in date and time are very specifically scheduled. Borrowed time friends, borrowed time.

Last night, before the roommate assignment arrived in today’s mail, the boy was friended by his new roomie in Facebook. Oh, how I love Facebook. I know, I’m not allowed to because, dude, I’m old and all that.

The boy said how he’s now seen 300 photos of his soon-to-be roommate which, out of context, seems weird. On the flip side, he reviewed his own profile from the perspective of the new roomie and observed photos of himself playing trombone, playing board games and has decided that future roomie is thinking, “Great. My roommate is a geek.”

I spun the wheel my freshman year of college and got Jenny, the tuba player, German student and rabid parrothead. I got lucky.

What was your freshman college roommate like? Did you spin the wheel, or go with someone you already knew?

The boy made a list of items he needs for college. Peppered throughout is his new favorite word: janx. The list includes items such as the following:

1. Shower janx
2. Stain removal Janx
3. Toiletry janx

Janx is interchangeable with Junk, or stuff. I hear it so often it has almost infiltrated my own vocabulary. I don’t know where it came from, but I am resisting the urge to adopt it. However, it is amazing how much janx I must buy this kid before he leaves.