Working Moms Talk Back
I belong to a group of working moms in Charlottesville. Primarily, my involvement has been online. As I’ve been thinking about two of the candidates for Charlottesville city council, both working mothers with young children, I decided to float some questions out to the group.
I wrote:
As some of you know there are two working moms with young children running for city council in Charlottesville. What you may not know is that at least one of them has faced criticism from fellow moms. Other mothers have suggested these women “wait” until their children are older. What do you think? Is it better to wait? What if that’s not an option? Is it too much to carry a full time job, volunteering and other pursuits?
It seems to me that these women need and deserve the support of all of us as fellow working moms, so when the time comes WE want to do something outside the 9-5 it won’t be such a struggle. Isn’t it time people got over it and realized women should not have limits?
I’m interested to hear if any of you have faced similar criticism and how you’ve handled it.
And the responses came flooding in . . .
“I admire these women who want to get involved in local politics. Who better to speak to the needs of women (especially working women) than other working women?”
“I find it distasteful that other mothers suggest that these women wait until their children are older. I can’t imagine telling someone else what to do with their time or how they should expend their energy.”
“I’m impressed
with these women and totally support them…I think it’s impossible to make judgments about what other people can handle. It’s easy, though, to criticize people who make different choices - usually because someone is doing something you wish you could do!
For some women, they need to do more than ‘just’ be a stay at home mom.
For some women, ‘doing it all’ is a matter of course.
For some women, they’d go nuts trying to do all that multitasking.
So yeah, it does seem like a lot to have on your plate - I turn down a lot of things to spend time with my child in the evenings, since I work all day. So my immediate reaction to these women is ‘oh my god! how can they do it??’ But that’s a reaction about ME, not them.”
“I personally think it’s great that working women with families are running for positions. Don’t working men with families do the same??? Oh right, but they are men. I forgot. (Note sarcasm.) ”
“I think there is a good chance that I would go insane if I were a SAHM, I just don’t think I have it in me. I need that time away and to use my brain. Kids are a tough job and demanding for sure, but I have to say my mind feels a bit numb when my husband is out of town and I spend the weekend alone with my infant son. ”
What do you think?
April 13th, 2007 at 11:53 am
I thought the comments from the working moms group were right on until I read this one: “I think there is a good chance that I would go insane if I were a SAHM, I just don’t think I have it in me. I need that time away and to use my brain. Kids are a tough job and demanding for sure, but I have to say my mind feels a bit numb when my husband is out of town and I spend the weekend alone with my infant son. ”
These are the types of statements that drive me, a SAHM, absolutely batty. This implies that I don’t use my brain as a SAHM. It would be the same if I said, I need the time with my kids to show that I have a heart. Believe me, I use my brain every day. It isn’t if the brain is used, it is how it is used.
Just like these women running for city council: It isn’t the time they use; it is how they use the time. The lessons that they are teaching their own children about community involvement is truly a priceless lesson.
See, now I feel like I need to rant about the values we place on the role of women in society. Are the daycare workers (mostly women) not using their brains? Are teachers (still a majority are women) somehow less brainy because they don’t do a regular job? Are all you working women heartless and uncaring because you work? Are the moms who run their families full time less intelligent because they don’t have an outside job? Yeah, right.
Oh, Marijean, you’ve made me restless. And a tad bit annoyed.
April 13th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I was the one who made the comment that I would go insane if I were to stay at home- and I really think I might. But I think you took what I said and twisted it a bit. You said:
“Are the moms who run their families full time less intelligent because they don’t have an outside job? Yeah, right.”
I did not say a word about SAHMs being less intelligent. I know many intelligent women who stay home. Having an outside job has nothing to do wtih intelligence. And for the record, my degree is in Elementary Education so I would be insulting myself by saying teachers are “less brainy” as you commented.
I admit that I have had many negative SAHM experiences so I am probably jaded. I know a few SAHMs who do great things and I admire them. I, however, am not cut out to stay home. I have thought about your post and realize that this is a sore point with me. Aren’t women supposed to want to stay home with their babies? Well I would not be good at it. I just wouldn’t. I feel good when I go to work. I feel productive, like I have accomplished something, and yes- like I have used my brain.
So- I apologize if you took my post as a slam against SAHMs being stupid. I was referring to myself feeling wasted after a weekend with an infant and minimal adult interaction. This is a reflection on me, not on anyone else. Some people can do it and it’s not a problem. I am not one of those people.
I also think that we as women can be incrediby hard on ourselves and each other. When you said, “Are all you working women heartless and uncaring because you work?” I could easily turn that right back around. Do all SAHMs judge me as being uncaring and heartless because I work and send my child to daycare? It sure feels like that sometimes.
April 13th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Links or references please! Who on earth are these local moms who are criticizing Holly and Jen for running for City Council? Forty lashes with a wet noodle to whomever they are.
My mom was a “SAHM” as we call it now but she sure as hell didn’t sit around at home all day focusing on her kids every minute. She kept her brain plenty busy on un-paid volunteer committments as well as helping us find enriching stuff to do after school. She ran the local PTA as president, she taught a gifted reading enrichment class at my school, she was on several local community boards and commissions, and so on. What is wrong with people nowadays that we think moms (and dads) should parent so heavily, the kids become the entire focus of life? Overparenting, I call it.
Yes, make time for your kids. Yes, they are your priority. ONE of your priorities. But you have other priorities too - or you should! Like, your relationship with your partner if you’re partnered, your own spiritual life if you’re spiritual, your health and fitness, your intellectual or social or other fun pursuits, making the world a better place on a large or small scale, your paid work, your unpaid work, etc. I’m a SAHM of two young (under 4) children and I do a ton of stuff besides feed them and wipe their bottoms and sing The Wheels On the Bus to/with them… I am very active with LOTS of unpaid community activities. What’s the difference between adding up all the not-directly-related-to-my-kids stuff I do (which adds up to many hours a week!) and doing one big extracurricular thing like City Council? No difference. But no one has ever criticized me for overdoing the extracurriculars. And it’s no one’s BUSINESS how Jen and Holly allocate their time. I’m horrified that anyone has said to them - publicly or privately - that they should be faulted for running for office while their children are young. Horrified. I sure hope this doesn’t turn into a “those SAHMs say that Jen & Holly shouldn’t…” because I am a SAHM and I sure don’t feel that way and I doubt I personally know a single other SAHM who does, either. (Of course, I am a liberal Democrat, Unitarian Universalist, who is nauseated by preachy wingnut social conservative types, so I guess maybe my crowd isn’t the type to be on the soap box about the importance of staying home and donning the housecoat and pearls as one does nothing but housework & gazing proudly at one’s progeny…)
So really - WHO are these people who are criticizing them? More info please. And even if we do learn more about the demographic groups into which these naysayers fall, let’s please not paint everyone in those categories with the same brush. Because ultimately, whoever is passing judgment on them really speaks only for herself or himself, not for any group of which she or he may be a part.
More power to Jen and Holly. You go, mamas! Whoo-hoo!
P.S. And while we’re whacking people with wet noodles, I’d like to save one for the commenter who said she’d go insane if she were a SAHM. That is suuuuuuch a silly cliche, “working mom saying she’d go nuts if she had to be a SAHM”. Yeah, whatever. Why not just say you enjoy your work and it gives you mental stimulation, and that you applaud other moms with young kids who seek similar stimulation outside the realm of babydom, be it paid or unpaid, business, art, reading, etc… Why the stupid insulting snipey dig on SAHMs, that we don’t use our brains? That comment makes you [whoever you are] sound so arrogant and condescending towards SAHMs. Do you really think parenting is brainless work? And, do you really think we don’t have other outlets in our lives just the way you do? Geez. I read that comment and I think, “Eff you and the horse you rode in on. That high horse that you’d be well advised to hop off of.” Ironic that you said that in response to a topic that is about NOT being judgmental towards other people for the choices they make. You love your work? Great. Good for you. Don’t be just like these silly critics of Jen’s and Holly’s, though, by putting yourself above other women who make other choices because they have different passions, callings, likes, dislikes, and overall situations. Honestly. Ugh. I support WOHMs and WAHMs whether they work out of passion for their work or self-actualization or sheer economic necessity or all of the above, and I don’t think I’m any better or worse than they are just because I stay home (at great financial hardship to our strapped family, mind you) and they work for pay. Before I rant any more about that comment, I’m just going to chalk it up to it being a silly thing that someone said when they weren’t thinking. I trust that whoever said it is probably whacking THEMSELVES with a wet noodle now that she realizes how it came across. Now let’s clean up the pasta residue and get back to work - together - on the matter at hand. We’ve got City Councilor(s) to elect. And this stupid Mommy Wars b.s. is SO yesterday. Yawn!
April 19th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Apparently it’s not, since it seems people are still pretty fired up about it.