Advice for the college freshman — I give you (drumroll, please) the Freshman Ten:

1. Don’t consume alcoholic beverages. Not only is it illegal to drink under the age of 21, it’s also, um, a sin! And immoral (leading you to lie, at least to your parents if not others). Also? Probably unethical too because you’d just be supporting The Man who owns the industry. And we know you hate monopolistic capitalism. Right?
2. Don’t smoke anything. Think about it. With your allergy track record, being allergic to anything that grows, that is, you’d probably just have a really ugly reaction to it. Imagine all smoke-ables are birch leaves. You’re WAY allergic to birch. Take your epi-pen just in case.
3. College campuses are cesspools of disease and filth. Not unlike 1940’s Army barracks and ghettos, dorms are merely thinly disguised, expensive housing projects. Viruses spread faster than rumors. Don’t touch anyone.
4. If you must go out in the rain, wear a raincoat.
5. Don’t roll your eyes at me, young man.
6. Should you get sick, go to Student Health. Do not believe everything Student Health says. (Sometimes they treat you for that which you do not have; say, for mono when, say, you’re maybe a little bit pregnant.) Should you get an Rx for an antibiotic, take it all as prescribed (see #3.)
7. At the dining hall, do not consume only carbs. Focus on protein; it lasts longer. And yes, a salad is still a salad if it’s coated in ranch dressing.
8. Do not fear the Freshman 15. You could use some meat on that lanky frame.
9. If someone’s pitch for the night or the weekend ends with “It will be fun,” or worse, “You’ll be cool,” give that guy the hairy eye of suspicion. This is not a friend.
10. Studies show that contrary to popular belief, you are not invincible. Please make a note of it.